Overwhelmed, excited, nervous, anxious, impatient, peaceful, emotional, busy, ready, not ready….These are the things that I’m feeling. A whole lot of feelings happening at the same time. I don’t even know how to put it into words really. What I can say however, is that the devil is in full work mode right now. He has attacked us in so many small areas of our life, I almost didn’t recognize it as him at first. So I’m calling him out right now. I’m on to your game.
The closer we are to our moving date, I am fully aware of what a sinner I am and how Satan is wiggling in wherever we leave room. Making us feel unworthy, unqualified, not good enough, not “godly” enough. The list goes on and on. He has taken full advantage of our weaknesses, attacking our marriage and keeping us so busy that we have been distracted from the needs of the other. Less patience. Added stress. Busier than ever. More time commitments. All combining to wear us thin.
Oh don't worry, motherhood has not been left alone either. Arguments with the kids and amongst the kids. CHECK. A sinner raising sinners, the struggle is real! I feel less in control and more like the world's worst parent. They might disown me after this year. I’m not even exaggerating. It’s been a rough go around here.
The past few weeks at church we’ve been in Romans 7, which clearly is my life right now.
I know what I’m suppose to do, for some reason I don’t ever get there. I fall short every time. I snap at the kids for not getting their shoes on quick enough or worse for asking me a question. Really?
As soon as I’ve yelled at my kids for the 17th time each day, I know I can’t have all the patience that I need by myself. I NEED HIM. I can’t be the parent or wife or even friend I want to be on my own. Kids will not always listen, the husband won’t meet every expectation and friends will let me down. I need God’s help every single day. I just don’t have the ability to be that joyful, loving, nurturing, grace giving person on my own.
Never fails. Anytime I want to be obedient, temptation is right there luring me the other way. Whether its through disobedient children, who have all the sudden decided they might actually die of thirst at 9:13pm when I have already taken off my caring hat for the day, or an overly busy schedule driving us all crazy that I might actually poke my eyes out (because remember this girl requires quiet time and days that involve absolutely nothing), I’ve been losing it more than not lately. It’s SO frustrating that I just can’t deal. It's especially annoying as we are entering into the season of foreign missions and in my mind we should be so happy and always joyful, but no, it's not happening. I’ve beaten myself up about it. I feel like I have no control of my actions. Because flesh.
Enter Grace. Thank you, Jesus, for not running out of grace. Thank you for giving it so freely. Thank you for sending the encouraging words through a friend just when I need it. Thank you for lightening the mood through my children, even if it means my 3 year old son is wearing red lipstick. Thank you for reminding me I’m loved through my sweet husband showing up with an iced snickers latte in hand. (hint hint)
Good news is God already knows I’m a sinner. Best news is He has claimed me as a daughter in spite of myself. So take that Satan. You can have your bad attitude back. I’m over it. I know I'm weak but thankfully He is strong. God has accepted my brokenness and is making it beautiful anyway.
“I am a sinner
If it’s not one thing it's another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
But You are a Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
-Brokenness Aside, All Sons and Daughters